this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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