Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
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Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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