The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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