Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
