don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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