I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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