I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
