i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
