I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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