He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
