that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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