my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
