he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
