i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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