Do you still have your period?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
