and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
