I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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