we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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