I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
