Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
