Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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