I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
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you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize