i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
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It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING