I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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