Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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