she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
