Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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