I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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