my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
