what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
