I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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