I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
