New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
