I wanna bring you to show and tell
I will die if light touches me.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
