am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
