went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
