So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
