Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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