hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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