I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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