i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i drank out of a bidet.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
