Whatcha textin bout Willis?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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