he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
