Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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