the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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