Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
