woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
