i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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