News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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