Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
