i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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