she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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