I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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