The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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