Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
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why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
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I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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