The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I deserve this hangover.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
