That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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