So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She's the barista slut.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
